To The Girl Who Tries Too Hard

There’s a different between wearing fake lashes because you’re extra and wearing fake lashes because you are trying to cover what you don’t have.

There’s a difference between wearing high-waisted jeans because you like the fit and wearing them to cover your muffin top.

There’s a difference between a genuine smile and a fake moment of happiness.

Today, i’m dedicating my post to all the girls who try too hard. Because I am one of you.

I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, analyzing myself. I know where every zit, every mole and where every freckle sits on my skin. I wear a lot of high-waisted jeans because I have a muffin top. I wear false lashes because I feel like my lashes aren’t long enough. I wear make-up to cover my acne. I wear sweatshirts to cover my stomach.

Long story short, i’m insecure. Many of us are. I’m not saying doing all of this is wrong. Not at all. It’s the reason behind it that makes it tough. I should wear high-waisted jeans because they help me feel confident. I should wear false lashes because i’m just extra. I should wear make-up to add to my beauty, not take it away. And sweatshirts are comfortable.

It seems simple, but I am an insecure woman with a need to please. I care way too much about what other people think. I step outside and I think about what they neighbors think about my hair. I walk into the grocery store and worry about what the middle aged religious women are thinking about my double piercings. I literally am the overly considerate idiot who cares what other cars think about my driving on the freeway. Like no girl, you do you.

WHO THE F CARES. This year, i’m caring about me. I’m caring about my happiness, my health and my well-being. I try way too hard to impress people who don’t matter, who don’t care and often don’t deserve my freaking amazing self.

Care about people, be considerate of others and their feelings. But do NOT forget about yourself. YOU are important. YOU need to be considered and YOUR feelings are valid. Learning to love yourself will open so many doors and provide so many opportunities. Make sure you are happy with yourself before trying to please others.

Stop trying so hard to be someone you are not and learn to embrace your individuality and your own uniqueness. (This is my advice to myself.)

Continue to better yourself and learn to love who you are and who you can become. We always set new resolutions at the beginning of the year, but if there is one you choose to stick with, I hope it’s to remember every day that you are an amazing individual. There is no one else like you and that’s okay.

Keep up with the glam, wear whatever you want, but make sure it’s for YOU and not for anyone else.

 

Love you guys. Here’s to a New Year.

xoxo Ki

Why I Choose Life (& You Should Too)

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This post is about to get way too deep. I am about to be way too real. But all I see on social media is the negativity and the effects it has on the people using it. I’ve totally suffered from social media. I’ve also seen how mean humans can be to other humans. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been on both ends. My heart hurts seeing articles and posts about those who have taken their own life. Seeing someone who doesn’t see their own worth. Seeing someone who is so far gone, they no longer see a reason to live. I’m going to be honest. I have been in that position. Here’s my story (This isn’t a light read and not for everyone):

In ninth grade, I began to struggle with my self-image. that is a common thing. Jr High was the WORST. I think a lot of people might be able to relate. Even though I was playing competitive soccer and was actually pretty fit, I still struggled with the way I looked. I felt like the boys I liked, never liked me back.  Why?

Slowly, I fell into a new crowd. I started liking a different group of boys. I started hanging with a different crowd of girls. These boys were giving me attention. I had never felt noticed like that. For a moment, it was bliss. I felt so cool! I was surrounded by attention.

Long story short, I did a lot of things I regret. If I said no to anything, I was told so many things. “It’s not like you haven’t done things like that before.” “I didn’t like you anyways.” “I’m as good as it gets for you.” “I’ll just find someone else.”  “You’re not even worth it.” My heart was in such a bad place. My mind constantly wondered why I wasn’t good enough. Why was I so ugly? Why couldn’t I be like all the other girls? I WAS IN 9TH GRADE. As a 14 year old, I should have been worrying about my blue eyeshadow or my Foods class. But I couldn’t stop. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I walked, the way I sounded. I worried about every little thing. I couldn’t sleep.  The same people I was involved with, accused me of being gross, even though they were doing the same things. For some reason, they decided to put me down for it. Why was I different?

I was losing friends, I was fighting with my parents, and I felt disgusting. How did I get here? I have never felt so cold or so alone. I felt as though I was in a different world, watching myself make bad decision after bad decision. I figured I had already gone this far. Why stop now?

I asked myself WHY all the time. Eventually, I started asking different “WHY” questions. Why am I who I am? Why won’t the pain stop? Why am I even alive? Why do I even try? Why don’t I just stop trying?

Those WHY questions began to become more frequent. I began to count the number of people who wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I would look around in class and think, “I need to just disappear.” I felt worthless, I felt ugly, I felt like no one genuinely cared about me.

So I tried to take my own life. And it wasn’t the first time.

At 14, I wasn’t old enough to even drive. I hadn’t been to a school dance. But I had decided I was done living. The darkness that overcame me that day was indescribable. I was numb, not even acknowledging pain anymore. I was done. I searched for reasons to turn back, but I couldn’t. In my mind, I was already gone. I have never been so terrified. Why didn’t anyone notice that I had changed? Didn’t anyone care? Did no one love me?

Without more detail, right before that moment, I was surrounded by such an intense, almost tangible warmth. I literally felt like I was being hugged by the sun and my heart just stopped. For a moment, the world was frozen. A voice filled my head. “You are not alone.”

Through my entire experience, I had lost all faith. I swore that Heavenly Father would never forgive me for what I had done. After feeling like my friends and family were gone, I believed that God wasn’t going to help me. But looking back, He was there the entire way. On that day, I was surrounded by His loving spirit. Something touched my heart so softly, and suddenly I knew I wasn’t alone. He was there and He loved me despite my flaws. I started to put together pieces. The little moments or people that helped me stay almost afloat. I regret a lot of things, but I wouldn’t change my past. I am who I am now because of what I went through. I am reminded every single day of my blessings and the opportunity I have to help other people.

Whether you are religious or not, suicide is not a joke. My heart hurts when I see boys, girls, men, women, moms, dads, ANYONE who is struggling. Because everyone has their demons and no two demons are the same. You have to recognize this. Social media makes it easy to put up a wall and be a jerk if you want to be. It’s easy to say things behind a keyboard. It’s easy to pretend you are someone you are not. It’s easy to pretend like you are okay when you are not.

I want you to know that you are worth it. This isn’t some cliche, bulls**t post. This is real life. Everyone has their struggles, but everyone also has a future. It’s up to you and it’s up to us to work towards that future. We have to love and support each other, no matter the race, religion, gender, sexual orientation. We are human beings. We have hearts. We have dreams and we ALL have a purpose.

You want to know why I choose life? I choose life because I want to build a better future, not only for myself, but for my generations to come. I choose life because I am strong and have a purpose. I choose life. And I choose you. No, i’m not quoting Pokemon. I’m choosing you to share your story. I’m choosing you to be an advocate for change. I’m choosing you to help our generation be a voice for strength and love.

Depression, anxiety, suicide… it’s not a joke. It’s a real thing individuals face. Do not take the subject lightly. I struggle with my depression and anxiety every single day. Don’t tell me to get over it or “be happy”. I am trying every day. I work hard every day. You are amazing human beings with talent and an insane amount of hope. I believe in you, so let’s continue to believe in each other. Instead of hate, let’s hype each other up.

You are beautiful and you are worth it. We are here for each other.

Utah Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-8255

I want to hear how you are going to make a difference this week. Send me an email. Leave a comment. Let’s make a change.

Thank you for listening.

 

Things You Shouldn’t Care About

I’m about to be brutally honest. I have been struggling. I’m sitting in a hotel room in Chicago and it’s only 7:13 P.M. I should be out enjoying the city right? But no. I’m in the room, by myself, on my computer. The only benefit? I’ve realized a few things.

I care too much. I care way too much about what people think. I care way too much about the way I look. I care way too much about getting validation. And it’s not okay. My mental health has been STRUGGLING. I sit on Instagram looking at all these beautiful people and I can’t even appreciate their success because I’m worried about how I don’t look like them. It’s not a healthy cycle! I’ve gained 45 pounds in about a year and a half. It’s so weird! I’ve never been this heavy. All I can look at is the negative. I see all the pants I no longer fit in, I see the tiny stretch marks appearing on my body. I see what I used to be instead of what I could be.

What i’m getting at is this: it’s all about the point of view. It’s what you choose to care about. Here’s what you shouldn’t care about:

  1.  You shouldn’t care about the way that girl just looked at you. If you are feelin’ yourself, keep on keepin’ on. That girl probably didn’t even mean to look at you like that. We literally all struggle with RBF. Am I wrong? Of course not. What you should care about is the way you look at her. Just keep smiling her way and hope it’s contagious. Spread the love and SUPPORT EACH OTHER.
  2. You shouldn’t care about how much you weigh. Numbers. Don’t. Matter. You should care about how you feel!! Start taking care of that beautiful body of yours. Being healthy isn’t a trend. It should be a lifestyle. I keep trying all sorts of diets, and you know what? THEY SUCK. Portion control, healthy choices and not depriving your body has been the only thing that has helped my body. And that’s what i’m going to stick to.
  3. You shouldn’t care about the people who stare when you dance in public. You should care about the people that dance with you because those are your people! Care about those who support you and your personality, no matter how big it is. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to sing, sing. People stare, but WE DON’T CARE!!
  4. You shouldn’t care about the person sitting next to you wearing Gucci sneaks with a matching bag that you don’t have. You should care about the progress you are making. You should be proud of that human for achieving something. You’ll be there someday. One day you’ll be the person walking into the room wearing the name brand sh*z if that’s something you want to do. Everyone has their own definition of success, so don’t base your progression off of someone else’s. Move at your own pace and keep working hard. You will get there!
  5. You need to care about you. Care about your health. Care about your happiness. Care about those who really matter. Life is short, it really is. It’s too short to overthink. It’s not an overnight process either. Self-love and care come with time. You have to work on it every single day. Start with the baby steps. Get some sleep, eat less of the crappy stuff and then move on to eating more of the good stuff. Stop glaring at people and start smiling. DANCE GIRL DANCE. Life is a beautiful thing and I forget that sometimes. Let’s keep reminding each other. COMMENT ON THEIR INSTA. LET PEOPLE KNOW THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. SPREAD THE FREAKING LOVE BECAUSE WE ARE AWESOME.

My favorite quote from Lollapalooza this week was from Logic: “I’m all about PEACE, LOVE, AND POSITIVITY!”

SAME. This needs to be our mindset. Who agrees? I love you all. I’m here to hype you up. I’m here to support your dreams. I’m here for you!

What do you care about? How do you treat yourself?  How are you spreading the love this week? I WANNA KNOW.

Why You Should Work in The Restaurant Business

I have a strong belief that everyone should work in the restaurant business at least one time in their life for two main reasons:

1. Because it will be the best worst decision you’ve made.

2. It’ll give you a whole new perspective/respect for what we go through.

I’ve worked in the same restaurant for 4 years and am currently a front of house manager. I’ve learned so many things from this job and I will never regret working there. I have learned so many life lessons, responsibilities and the biggest thing I’ve learned: PEOPLE CAN SUCK. I have never been more disappointed in the human race. This may sound crazy, but that will only sound crazy if you’ve never worked in a restaurant.

I’ve been yelled at, sworn at, talked down to, spilled on, and much more. I’ve also met my best friends, been offered militia leaders job opportunities, grown as a human and met my husband there. This job has been the most stressful yet rewarding experience. If only people knew how hard it is. I have came up with a few things you should know when dining out:

1. You are not the only person your server is taking care of. Picture this: it’s a busy Friday night, the restaurant is full and it’s a long wait. You have to wait more than two minutes for your drink and you are automatically mad at your server. GUESS WHAT. YOUR SERVER HAS 5 OTHER TABLES, SURVIVES OFF TIPS AND HAS BEEN WORKING FOR 12 HOURS ALREADY. The server’s job is to take care of you and I’ll admit, there are some really crappy servers out there. But just remember to give the benefit of the doubt to your server. They are working hard. They are lifting buss tubs, getting spilled on, the kitchen yells at them because of YOUR complicated order. It’s not their fault 90% of the time. I promise.

2. Don’t yell at the host. I see this all the time. Guests yell at the host because of a long wait time, they yell at the host because of a menu item, they yell at the host because they don’t like their table. It’s not their fault. The host is there to greet you and accommodate you. It’s not their fault there is a wait. It’s all the human beings that keep walking through the door. There is a method to the madness of a restaurant. There is a server rotation that needs to be followed, there’s a manager behind every quote time and there are limited tables when it’s busy. Have some patience and respect.

3. Restaurants have certain policies and procedures in place and being a complete Butthole won’t make us change them. We actually care about the service that you are given okay? But when you start off by yelling, the level of caring goes way down. If you want it your way and want us to find validity in your concern, be nice about it. Simple as that.

4. Servers do not thrive off of hourly pay. They reply on tips. Don’t stiff your server. I’m not saying tolerate bad service, but for the love. TIP YOUR SERVER.

5. Managers hear all the negativity. We LOVE to hear about your good experiences too! Don’t just complain. Compliment.

Also, when you have time, google “restaurant memes”. It’s good insight 😂

This sounds like a lot. It’s is. But I could say more. It may not be relevant to you. But recognize what people are going through. Open your eyes and just be good human beings!!!!