Alright, here’s the deal…

I haven’t been on here for quite a long time. I’ve been learning, growing & moving on from bad habits. I’ve been succeeding. I’ve been accomplishing goals. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt even remotely successful. I’ve finally made progress and it feels amazing. The hill I’ve been rolling down… I’ve finally started to climb, the top is in sight.

In the last year, I’ve probably tried 7 or 8 different diets. I’ve tried different work out apps and suggestions, I’ve tried medicine, I’ve tried weight loss pills… I’ve spent the last six months being sick. I’ve written blog posts talking the progress I’ve made, but I don’t feel like those were as sincere as they should have been. Those posts were more so me, trying to convince myself I had been making progress. In reality, I had been stuck. I was still struggling. I had been trying to compete with everyone else, and told myself I wasn’t good enough.

I wanted to look good. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to buy new clothes to cover up what was underneath. I lost the real end goal: FEELING GOOD. Until a month ago, I was sick at least once a week. Throwing up, headaches & migraines that had me bed-ridden, no sleep, pure exhaustion. I could not figure out what the help was happening. So many foods were making me sick. Even though I was throwing up frequently and not eating as much, I was not losing weight. HOW?? So overall, I was defeated. The 50 lbs I wanted to lose? Not happening. Being happy? Also. Not. Happening. In reality, I wasn’t taking care of myself. Eating fast food, half-a**ed work outs, going to bed late, not waking up on time… how could I not see what was happening? I’m a person who loves to eat, no matter what mood I’m in. Good day at work? Time for a cookie. Sad about my belly rolls? Might as well eat the cake. Oh, I went walking for 10 minutes? I definitely deserve a $5 Chalupa box from Taco Bell.

In addition to my physical health depleting, my mental & emotional health wasn’t exactly perfect either. I despised myself. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror and my anxiety was at an all time high. I have missed at 2 concerts this year, tickets already purchased, because I couldn’t get myself to go. There would be too many people, looking at me, because I was too big. I wasn’t wearing the right clothes. I’ve bailed on sooo many social events, because talking to people scares the sh** out of me. My confidence was shot and I just couldn’t do it.

I’m going to go on a tangent real quick. I have a bad habit of saying the word, “hate”. I talk about how I hate people, I hate social events, I hate clothes, I hate going outside, I HATE, HATE, HATE. Terrible, right? Truth is. I don’t hate. I really don’t. I’m scared. I’m scared of people. I’m scared of social events, I’m scared of how my body looks in clothes, I’m scared of being outside. I do hate that I’m scared. I didn’t used to be this way. It’s developed from years of self-doubt, self-discrimination and lack of self-love.

Why am I sharing this? All of my blog posts talk about how you should love yourself, right? You should. But I shouldn’t be preaching something that I haven’t followed. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. That’s not why I’m here. I want you to know I’m trying. Im telling you this to hold myself accountable.

What’s different this time? I thought I was making progress a few months ago? No. This time I’ve made genuine progress. In the last month, I’ve lost 15 lbs. That may not seem huge, but for me, it’s such a huge success. I haven’t been able to lose that for 2 years. I did that in one month. I did it in a healthy and positive way too. I completely switched my lifestyle. In case you’re curious, I went completely plant based a month ago. If you’re not a fan of vegans, I don’t need to hear it. But if you have questions, totally here for it. I seriously haven’t felt this good in a long time. My body is finally feeling clean and strong. I also started playing soccer again. I’ve tried the gym, I’ve tried just running outside, but I could not get myself to enjoy it. I finally found a lifestyle that positively benefits me and I genuinely enjoy it. It’s only been a month, but I’ve found a direction and I’m going to keep heading that way. Looking good comes with feeling good and being genuinely happy.

The hate? It’s fading. It’s not gone, but I’m learning to love. Being scared? Definitely still there but I’m learning to cope and overcome my fears.

The progress? It’s real. I cannot wait to see what I can accomplish.

We need to stop hating. Stop hating ourselves, each other. We need some love, kindness and understanding.

Anyways. Thanks for listening.


4 thoughts on “Alright, here’s the deal…

  1. 40andfeelinit

    Thanks for sharing, that was really brave to talk about. Congratulations on your weight loss and coming back to life though! What an amazing new journey you’re on and it’s just the beginning!


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